


Taking My World Back

by RamenKitsune



Category: Free!
Genre: Background pairings but they aren't the focus, College, Heavy themes like depression and suicidal thoughts and an attempt, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8922268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamenKitsune/pseuds/RamenKitsune
Summary: 'Haruka wasn’t really sure when he had planned to take his life, he wasn’t even sure he had planned it past learning how to pick locks, but he knew the feeling of wanting to die had been blooming in his chest for months if not years. He was tired of trying to find reasons to pull himself out of bed, tired to being alone. He had no friends and his parents had disowned him months ago.'





	1. Numb

**Author's Note:**

> So, oh where do I begin to start explaining this... I don't really know what to say to clear it up other than this is a rather serious piece for me cause of a lot of reason I don't really know how to describe without sounding crazy, and I really don't want that or to alarm anyone with any information that may be taken the wrong way. That being said, I want this to be enjoyed but I'm doing it for myself. Sorry if that sounds selfish... Geez I don't know how to express myself... Well I hope this is liked, and I wouldn't complain about a comment or two lol.

The lock gave easily and Nanase Haruka glanced around the campus before he slipped into the gym. The lobby was cold, but that was to be expected at three in the morning in the middle of December and Haruka was already under dressed for the snow and ice that covered the Tokyo campus so it didn’t bother him. His bare feet made a noise as he walked down the titled hallway to the indoor pool, and Haruka held his breath and pushed on the handle, and sighed in relief when it gave way easily. The smell of chlorine made Haruka’s racing pulse spike, a mix of fear and excitement rushed through him and he pulled the thin t-shirt off and folded it carefully before following suite with his cargo shorts, leaving him in a pair of boxer briefs. Normally Haruka would get in the water as soon as possible, but the severity of why he was there tonight kept him from rushing, he wanted everything to be in order because once he went in he wasn’t going to come out.

Haruka wasn’t really sure when he had planned to take his life, he wasn’t even sure he had planned it past learning how to pick locks, but he knew the feeling of wanting to die had been blooming in his chest for months if not years. He was tired of trying to find reasons to pull himself out of bed, tired to being alone. He had no friends and his parents had disowned him months ago. If he hadn’t had the money from his grandmother he’d probably be frozen in some alley of Tokyo and Haruka wasn’t sure if he was sad it wasn’t that easy or not. His parents had already paid for his college in advance and the bitter anger in Haruka’s chest was glad they couldn’t get a refund even if he died. 

The ceiling was glass, Haruka realized as he looked up and frowned because he couldn’t see stars. Of all the things he should be use to is being alone, even by the stars, but it still stung. Haruka looked back at the pool and found resolve, of all the things that would abandon him, water hadn’t. Even after Haruka was dragged from Iwatobi when he was six, he still could swim and it had helped for a while. It soothed the pain of losing his only friend, of losing the only person who ever truly understood him. Haruka shook his head at that thought, who was to say Tachibana Makoto would have accepted him now anyway. Haruka was a freak, the one who people whispered about and stayed away from. Haruka couldn’t, or more he wouldn’t, believe his childhood friend would have been able to handle all of that, Tachibana had been able to befriend anyone and he could easily have replaced Haruka so why would he have stayed by his side. What good did it do to dwell on it anyway, Haruka questioned himself, knowing he was procrastinating and sighed. He had nothing left to do, the note would be found resting carefully on his shorts, not that it would give many answers, and his clothes were clear of any splash Haruka would give off, all Haruka had left was to dive in and… And…

He couldn’t think as he stepped up on the starting block, if he thought too much he might back down and that wasn’t an option. The water was calm, the only ripples coming from the filtration system that kept the water clean, and Haru couldn’t help but think it was peaceful and almost hesitated diving because he shouldn’t disrupt something so calm. There were thousands of other ways to kill one’s self, he shouldn’t defile the water, but he was here and he didn’t think he could manage trying another way, and with one more deep breath he dove into the water. It was cold, almost painful, and Haruka let his body sink down as far as he could. The bottom of the pool was smooth and Haruka guessed this was as good as he would get and exhaled all the air he had in his lungs and watched the bubbles rise up peacefully, happy to leave him behind. His lungs ached, but Haruka kept strong and stayed under. He knew what he had to do next, and though it scared him, he gathered the courage to breathe in the water around him. It burned and for a moment Haruka thought maybe this wasn’t right, he shouldn’t do this, but the moment passed and his vision started to go black. He started to feel lighter, the cold numbed everything, and for a moment Haruka felt like maybe someone would miss him after this was over as he lost consciousness.

**Please don’t forget me!**

**I will always be your friend!**

**I love you Haru-chan!**

:..:..:  


The snow began to fall and Makoto frowned at his bad luck. He had never been the biggest fan of snow, and Tokyo snows were even more unpleasant because they weren’t beautiful like the ones in Iwatobi. The snow was trampled and turned to slush too fast and froze again into dangerous ice. Three times this week Makoto had almost fell due to the ice and the fact it was already dark with more snow made it more dangerous. It was while he was cursing his misfortune that he noticed someone at the gym door a bit away. They were too far to make out their appearance, but Makoto could tell they were vastly underdressed for the season and when the person got the door open and looked around, Makoto felt curious. Well it was more than curiosity that moved him, but Makoto didn’t know what it was. Getting to the gym took him a while, and once he was in the lobby he questioned where to go to find the person. Maybe they just needed somewhere warm for a night, Makoto couldn’t blame them. 

The lobby was eerie in the dark, but Makoto forced himself to focus instead of letting his imagination run wild. If Makoto was looking for somewhere warm, he’d pick the locker room and he was headed that way when he heard the splash from the pool. Makoto tensed and ran towards the pool, gasping when he saw a person at the bottom of the pool. Without thinking Makoto shook of his coat and shoes before he dove in. The water stung but Makoto didn’t slow as he neared the body and pulled him to the surface. His body was cold and heavy, and Makoto was careful to keep his head above water as he moved to the side of the pool and pulled them both out. Makoto checked the man’s pulse and was a little relieved to hear it, but it was short lived when he realized they weren’t breathing. Makoto moved without much thought, like some part of his brain had all the answers, and he started chest compressions before his mouth sealed over the strangers and he blew. Nothing happened the first time or the second. “Come on breathe.” Makoto muttered desperately as he did another set of compressions before he gave him breath again. Somewhere in Makoto’s mind he was remembered the saying of ‘third time is the charm’ as the man rolled and water spattered the floor from his mouth and nose. Makoto wasn’t sure if they were coughing or vomiting, but he moved to help them stay upright all the same, which ended up being a good thing as they went limp as the water left them and they wheezed as if desperate to get as much air in their body as possible.

It was then Makoto realized the person wasn’t completely dressed. His eyes scanned the room and found a small pile of clothes on a bench. What had they been doing? The question terrified Makoto because he had a feeling he knew what the other had planned as he turned his attention back to the slumped form. He started when he realized the person was looking at him, water dripped from their black hair and the single blue eye sparkled from the moonlight that decided to flood the room at that moment. Makoto could tell they were angry, but that wasn’t the part the shocked him the most. No, it was that the look looked so familiar. It had been years, twelve if Makoto remembered correctly, since he had seen it, and those eyes had been smaller.

**We’re moving, so we can’t be friends anymore.**

“Haru-chan?” Makoto whispered and watched the look of anger dissolve into surprise.

“Makoto.”

:..:..:

Haruka didn’t know if the world was blessing him or laughing at him, but he didn’t care really as he took in the changes of Tachibana Makoto. He was taller, so much taller, and the way his wet clothes clung to him hinted at the define muscle tone beneath them, his face had lost the soft cheek and now looked strong and sharp and any other day maybe Haru would have itched to draw it. Makoto’s hand still rested on his back and Haruka felt the heat sink into his skin. This wasn’t right, was it? It couldn’t be, Haruka had to have died and this was some strange heaven. Haruka closed his eyes, unable to look at him anymore. A sharp cough racked his body and Makoto rubbed his back as a little bit of water joined the puddle.

“Can you stand?” Makoto’s voice was deeper but it was still caring. Haru wondered how else Makoto had changed, and his mind seemed to wander too far because Makoto spoke out again. “Haru-chan?” The name made Haruka angry.

“Don’t call me that.” Haruka’s voice sounded scratchy. Makoto flinched back, his hand moved from Haruka’s back and Haruka wanted it back almost instantly because he felt so cold suddenly. “Why did you even come in here?” Haruka wasn’t sure if he was grateful or angry he had been saved, but anger seemed to take control much easier. He was angry about a lot of things, but why did Tachibana Makoto have to find him at his lowest? It could have been anyone else and yet it was him. The only person Haruka could pretend didn’t think he was weird or crazy. He must think those things now, no one who wasn’t weird and crazy tried to kill themselves in a pool on some random night in December.

“I saw you come in and I was worried.” Makoto answered honestly and then stood. “I’m glad I did. You would have died if I hadn’t.” The words, so caring and innocent, made Haruka want to laugh. That had been the whole point, to die, he wanted to so badly. Makoto must have realized that by now. “Let's get you to the locker room; I’m sure there are towels there.” Haruka made no attempt to move, he was shaking too much to have faith in his legs, but he didn’t have time to think all of this through when he was scooped up. Haruka struggled a little, but Makoto’s hold was absolute. “Don’t worry, I’ll get you there.” The look on Makoto’s face was as firm as his hold and Haruka couldn’t find any more fight in himself. The warmth of Makoto’s skin seeped through the clothes he wore and Haruka could feel it and it made him feel worse because he found some comfort in it. He was truly sick.

The locker room was warmer than the pool room had been, but not by much. Makoto sat Haruka on a metal bench and then vanished around a corner in search for the towels he had mentioned. Haruka felt his body shiver and the sting of tears at his eyes. It felt real suddenly, what he had tried to do. He wasn’t sure if he was happy it hadn’t, but he wasn’t angry it hadn’t too. He felt a sob burn his throat, but he refused to allow it out, not with him there. Haruka had already burdened Makoto enough for one night.

 

:..:..:

Makoto held his trembling hand against his chest, knowing he shouldn’t let himself feel this yet but was unable to stop the panic that was now running rampant through him. Nanase Haruka could have died if he hadn’t happened to see him from across a street. They would have found him floating in the pool in only a few hours if something had caught Makoto’s attention and he had walked by. He felt sick and knew he had to pull himself together; Haruka was still there, he had saved him, no one would find a body floating in a pool, Haruka didn’t die. Makoto walked out to the pool house again to grab Haruka’s clothes and flinched when he saw the carefully folded paper on top of the khaki shorts and picked it up. The trembling in his hands returned at the words there, a simple “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t handle it anymore.” It had been written so cleanly and was just like the Haruka he remembered. Makoto placed the note in the inner pocket of his still dry coat and picked up his shoes before he went back to the locker room. 

The supply closet had a stack of white towels and Makoto grabbed four, knowing his clothes would need more so he could leave. He still didn’t know what he was going to do with Haruka, it all still scared him, but he knew he couldn’t leave him alone. When he went back to Haruka, he was slumped over with his face hidden in his knees, and for a horrible moment Makoto thought Haruka had managed to hurt himself in his absence, but Haruka let out a shaky breath and the fear ebbed down and he sat the clothes to the side and wrapped a towel around Haruka’s shoulders. His back tensed and Makoto felt guilty for not announcing himself but didn’t back up from him. Haruka sat up as Makoto worked the terrycloth over his wet hair.

The silence was only broke by the sound of water drops from the showers. Makoto soon finished drying Haruka’s hair and wrapped his shoulders to trap some warmth. Haruka was shaking and Makoto didn’t know any other way to keep him warm. Makoto reached for a towel and began to dry himself, but he noticed how Haruka’s eyes lingered on the stack of clothes.

“You read it.” Makoto knew what Haruka meant and he nodded, then remembered Haruka wasn’t looking at him.

“I did.” They were silent again as Makoto finished drying his pants, though they weren’t prefect, and he sat down next to Haruka. “C…Can I ask why?” Makoto watched as Haruka’s shoulders tensed, watched the frown pull at his lips. “I don’t have to know.” This gained Haruka to look at him and Makoto felt a stab at his heart when he saw the tears there. 

“I…I’m just…” Haruka looked down and Makoto couldn’t help but pull him into his arms. Of all the ways he thought he and Haruka would reunite, this had never crossed his mind and he really had no idea how to deal with it, but as Haruka’s fingers dug into his wet shirt he guessed it was just good that they had met again at all.

“I’m so… Numb. I just wanted to have a reason.” Makoto could hear that he was crying, and held him tighter. He didn’t tell Haruka it would be okay, he didn’t try to provide empty promises that things would get better, he had no idea what had made Haruka feel this way and the words were so generic and cliché. All he could do that felt right was hold him and be there.

:..:..:

They were dried and dressed, though Makoto still looked damp. Haruka felt guilt rise in his chest when he saw the layer of snow as they moved towards the door. Makoto was just back into his life, if he could call it that, and Haruka was already causing him problems. He didn’t know how close Makoto lived to the gym, would he be close? Haruka hoped so. 

“You didn’t have shoes.” Makoto said suddenly, seeming just as concerned as Haruka had been. 

“I’ll be fine.” Haruka said firmly, because it didn’t matter to him if he lost feeling in his feet or got sick. Makoto frowned and shook his head. 

“I can carry you.” He offered and it was then Haruka’s turn to frown. He wasn’t worth that. “Okay, I won’t… My socks are wet so that wouldn’t do much for you…” Haruka bit the inside of his lip, irritated that he was being such a burden to Makoto, and before Makoto could find a solution Haruka stepped towards the doors and out into the winter. The wind felt like sharp knives and Haruka began to shiver despite himself. “Haruka!” Makoto’s voice called after him, and in a matter of a minute Makoto was by his side. “Stop, you’ll freeze.” Haruka wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter but he couldn’t find it in himself. He could already see the fear he had put in Makoto’s heart from finding him in the pool, he didn’t want to add to it. Before he knew it, however, Haruka was wrapped in Makoto’s coat and Makoto was leading him god only knew where. Haruka could feel the folded paper and shivered. “We’ll be at my apartment soon, I’m sorry this is all I can do.” Haruka wanted to hit him; didn’t he know how much he had already done? 

Stupid Makoto.


	2. New Day, New Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have much to say, or more I don't know really what to say, but I'd feel awkward without the beginning note I guess. I'm weird. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

Makoto’s apartment was nice, much nicer than Haruka’s, and it was warm which gave it even more appeal. Haruka wondered if he should find appeal in anything when less than an hour ago he dove into a pool in hopes of never coming out. It was such an opposite emotion that it made Haruka felt uncomfortable for feeling one way or the other. Makoto shivered as he turned up the heat and Haruka knew he spoke before darting around into a room, but Haruka hadn’t been listening. He hadn’t meant to block out Makoto’s words, it was just his attention was on a set of photos that hung from the wall. The first was Makoto kneeling with two small children and all three looked so proud of the little snowmen that rested in front of them. The next was a picture of Makoto’s parents with the same children as before. Siblings, Haruka realized. Makoto was a big brother now. The last, however was what gained Haruka’s complete attention. It was Makoto with others his age though Haruka had no clue who any of them were. There was a short blonde who’s smile was bright but mischievous, a pink haired boy who’s arm rested against Makoto’s shoulder like it was the most natural thing in the world, and a red head who’s teeth looked sharp and there was a look in his eye that Haruka couldn’t place. They were all dressed in yukatas and it was clear they were at a festival. They seemed close and there was an ache inside Haruka’s chest and he was sure he should leave. He wasn’t needed; Makoto had friends, normal people who seemed to make him happy. He didn’t need someone like Haruka in his life.

“They are probably a little big, but they should do for the night.” Makoto said, startling Haruka out of his thoughts. Haruka stared at the wad of clothes and realized that Makoto had found him something to sleep in. He hadn’t planned on staying, but the idea of leaving also hurt, so slowly he took them and Makoto smiled. “The bathroom is back there, though since its so late maybe taking a shower isn’t a good idea.” Makoto frowned, worried about his neighbors. 

“Its fine.” Haruka said. Makoto nodded and that was the end of it as Haruka moved to the bathroom. Once behind the door, he felt lost. It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to do, he could change clothes easily, it was just he had no plan for after tonight. Was he supposed to pretend it never happened and go back to his lonely life? Was he supposed to try again? He had no idea where to go from here and it terrified him. 

“Haru-ch…Haruka are you okay?” Makoto’s voice startled him again and he realized he hadn’t even started to change. How long had he been in here? He shook his head and forced himself to focus on what his task was.

“I’ll be done in a moment.” Haruka called back and wondered if Makoto thought he had killed himself in his bathroom. Haruka guessed it would be a rational fear when you had a crazy person in your bathroom. He shoved his shorts down and slid into the pants that were too soft for his mood then followed suit with his shirt. Makoto’s shirt was big on him, but he couldn’t deny it was comfortable and he scrunched his nose at the realization. Was comfort okay to feel? He scooped his clothes up and walked out of the bathroom and was greeted by Makoto setting out a futon. Makoto hadn’t seemed to notice him standing there yet, and Haru wondered if he should say something but didn’t know what to say. He cleared his throat, guessing it was enough and it did still hurt so it was just as much for himself as it was to keep from startling Makoto. Those green eyes met his and Makoto’s smile spread to them with ease.

“Looks like I was right, huh?” He spoke as if it was his fault, and Haru shrugged. He felt awkward in Makoto’s living room, it was so warm and Haru felt out of place with everything there. “You can have my bed for tonight, if you’d like, or you can have out here if sleeping in someone else’s bed makes you uncomfortable.” Haru could tell Makoto was trying to be pleasant, to make Haru feel welcomed, but Haru could see how he’d grip the blankets tight suddenly, as if realizing what he had been dragged into by going into the pool house. 

“Out here is fine.” Haru said and his arms crossed over his chest and felt a mix of anger in safety by guarding himself. He wasn’t sure how to make Makoto comfortable in his own home. “Or I could leave.” He suggested after a long silence, it was the only option he could think of.

“No.” Makoto answered too fast and Haru’s eyes moved to the floor. So he did think he’d try again. Haru couldn’t blame him; he wasn’t sure he if he would or not either. Drowning had been his preferred method, but there were several options he could do tonight alone. He hadn’t wanted to die in his apartment though, who knows when he would have been found if he had used the sleeping pills he had stashed away. The thought of being not being recognized when he was found had terrified him more than dying ever had, but he could. “Haruka.” He really needed to pay attention to Makoto; he was already being a burden to him without making him have to constantly get his attention. “I… I’m here if you need to talk. I want to be here for you.” The honesty of Makoto’s words felt like fire, Haruka wanted to pull back from the burn of them. How long had it been since someone was there for him? He couldn’t remember.

“Why?” The question toppled out of Haruka’s mouth without his permission and he saw Makoto flinch. He shouldn’t have asked, he felt guilty that he had, but he didn’t understand why Makoto cared. They didn’t even know each other anymore, they had grown up, they weren’t kids anymore. Makoto owed him nothing, if anything it was the exact opposite and Haruka had nothing to give him that wasn’t damaged beyond repair. Why was he bothering with him?

“Because you’re my friend.” Makoto’s answer hung between them. How could he say that? They hadn’t talked in twelve year or longer, Haruka was too tired to really think of the correct number. His fingers played with the sleeve of the shirt, it was a strange shade of orange. Haru didn’t dislike it, he realized, and it was such an abstract thought it angered him.

“You don’t know me anymore Makoto.” Haruka shook his head, feeling unsure about everything. Makoto stood and moved closer, he could have reached out to grab him, though he didn’t. Haruka couldn’t look up to meet his eyes, he could only image how he looked, and he didn’t like the images his mind produced. He probably thought he was a freak, thought he was ungrateful, thought all sorts of things about him.

“You’re Haru-chan, and that’s enough isn’t it?” Haruka bit into his lip because how could that be enough. “We should go to bed now, okay? We can talk more in the morning, I don’t have classes.” The idea of school was just as absurd thing to talk about that Haruka looked up at Makoto only to be met with a smile. Haruka felt that even if Makoto did have classes, he would have stayed with him and the thought made him feel sick. Makoto then rest his hand on Haruka’s shoulder before going into his bedroom. The futon had several more blankets than needed, and Haruka moved towards it and buried himself under them. It was warm, but Haruka couldn’t focus on the comfort it provided. He couldn’t stop thinking about everything at once, and he didn’t even feel himself fall asleep, his mind busy working over Makoto’s words.

:..:..:

The sun slipped past the blinds and the birds sang merrily as if the night before was like any other night, and it made Makoto frown. He hadn’t slept; he hadn’t been able to keep from listening for any sign of distress from Haruka, or for his front door to open. Haruka had looked so lost standing in his living room, his arms wrapped around himself like he had to hold himself to keep grounded, and it made Makoto’s heart ache and his mind restless. Haruka had said Makoto didn’t know him anymore, and Makoto couldn’t help but agree to the accusation. He had no idea what had happened to Haruka to make him feel there was no way out other than taking his life. Had Haruka had no one near to pay attention to him, to see the signs? Had Haruka managed to hide this from those near to him? Makoto felt the later wasn’t possible, maybe he was bias since he found him but the signs were painfully clear. Haruka was thin, Makoto had noticed it when he watched him dress in the locker room. His ribs were painfully visible as had been his hips bones, his wrists had been too thin, and he looked too pale.

Makoto sighed and rolled into his pillow, tears swelled and fell into the cloth like a secret. He should have tried to keep in touch, he scolded himself, though he knew he would have if the option had been there. After Haruka moved Makoto never received a letter and he didn’t know Haruka’s address to start the correspondence. He had asked his mother for assistance, and she had tried, but it was a fruitless hunt. The Nanase family hadn’t left anything for anyone to find them. Still, Makoto told himself, he could have tried harder. Haruka had been his best friend, they had been inseparable all their childhood, where one was the other was close by if not at their side. They knew each other’s secrets and dreams, and then it had ended so suddenly. Makoto still remembered countless nights of crying himself to sleep because Haruka was no longer there. Time made it hurt less, as did meeting new people. Kisumi happily helped Makoto feel less lonely, and soon after Rin and Nagisa aided to turning that empty spot into a place of warmth. Had anyone been there for Haruka though, or had he been alone this whole time? 

Makoto bunched the pillow tighter around him to cover the sob that now started to shake his body as he realized once more how easily he could have just walked by. He could have failed Haruka in the worse way, but he hadn’t. He had to remember he hadn’t, he had been there, he hadn’t been too late. And he would be there for Haruka now, that he was certain of. He wouldn’t let distance cut them off again, he’d be someone who’d notice that hollowed look in those blue eyes, he’d be someone Haruka could confide in. He would keep Haruka from being numb, he promised the universe or god, he wasn’t sure, and slowly began to calm down. Now he just had to figure out how to truly pull that off.

The alarm startled Makoto and he quickly turned it off, seeing it was nine in the morning. He pulled himself up and cleaned his face of any leftover tears as he listened to see if Haruka had heard the alarm. The living room remained silent so Makoto assumed he hadn’t. Makoto assumed sleep was out of the question anymore and slid from the bed and tread quietly to the bathroom, pausing for a moment to look at the mass of blankets that had thin ankles and feet sticking out at the end. Haruka was still there, sleeping, and safe. Makoto felt a bit of warmth in seeing it before he finished his trek to the bathroom. He opted for a quick shower and let the warm water revive him a bit. Everything would be okay, he told himself. It was a new day, a new beginning.

:..:..:

The loud knock startled Haruka out of his dreamless sleep, and he groaned softly and pulled the blankets around him tighter. Stupid neighbors, he thought with the next knock, but then the door opened and he could hear talking. The events flooded Haruka then and he sat up in horror. He could see Makoto’s form at the door, talking silently with whoever had woke Haruka.

“Thank you Kisumi, I really appreciate it.” Makoto was saying, smiling.

“Oh anything for you Makoto.” A male voice responded, sounding playful and light. “But is everything okay? Not to say you don’t look gorgeous as usual, but you don’t look quite yourself.” Haruka saw a hand touch Makoto’s shoulder and heard Makoto’s forced laugh.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” Makoto answered, though even from how little Haruka knew about this new older Makoto he could tell it was a lie to help his friend not worry. The hum from the Kisumi person seemed to hint that they saw through him as well. “I just had… an eventful evening.” Makoto tried again, scratching at the truth enough to soothe whoever he was talking about.

“If you need me, I’m always here Makoto. If anyone is bothering you…” The voice softened, becoming a bit more serious without losing the light sound.

“Its nothing like that, I promise it’s alright. But I have to deal with some things this morning. Thank you for bringing breakfast.” Makoto was still so polite and caring, and seeing this made Haruka feel warm. Still the same Makoto, Haruka thought but it was a bittersweet feeling because even if he was the same Makoto, Haruka wasn’t the same Haruka and he wasn’t sure if Makoto would like the empty broken thing he had become. 

“I already told you I’d do anything for you Makoto.” There was that playfulness back in the person’s tone and Makoto chuckled before they said their official goodbyes and Makoto turned back into the living room. Haruka felt guilty when he watched Makoto start and looked away, his fingers fiddled with the blanket. 

“Did we wake you? I’m sorry.” Makoto’s voice was sincere and Haruka shook his head.

“I should be awake anyway.” His voice was muttered and he could hear Makoto walking around. He glanced up and watched as Makoto set two styrofoam containers on the little coffee table that had been moved to the side the night before to make room for the futon. “I got us breakfast, if you are hungry, or you can take a shower first if you’d like.” The smell wasn’t strong, but Haruka could smell the contents of the containers and his stomach rumbled. When was the last time he ate again? It had to have been recent right? Haruka couldn’t remember really.

“Breakfast sounds good.” Haruka muttered and Makoto nodded, opening both containers before sliding one towards Haruka. The sight stunned Haruka, the perfectly grilled mackerel was something he hadn’t seen in a while and his mouth watered despite himself. Off to the side was a small covered bowl of miso soup and then a small stack of rice. 

“You do still like mackerel, right?” Makoto asked as Haruka stared at the food. Haruka looked up at Makoto in shock before he nodded. “Oh good, though I had a feeling there was no way Haru-chan would ever stop loving mackerel. I remember how you tired to convince our mothers to only buy mackerel for every meal.” Haruka felt ice in his chest at the memory, or more the mention of his mother.

**I won’t support you if you chose something so useless to pursue. You’ll amount to nothing if you do this Haruka.**

“Haruka?” Makoto sounded worried, and Haruka could only guess the face he was making to alarm Makoto. “I didn’t mean…” 

“It’s fine.” Haruka snapped and snatched the chop sticks off the table. He took a deep breath, his shoulders relaxed on the exhale. “Thank you Makoto.” He could almost feel the radiance of Makoto smile as he nodded. 

“Of course Haruka.” He said. Hearing Makoto call him his name was weird, but Haruka had no idea how to ask him to call him ‘Haru’ and felt he had no right to ask him to anyway. They ate in silence after that, the mackerel was perfect and was gone much too soon, but Haruka made sure not to express his displeasure and drank the broth of his soup. He must have ate too fast because he was done much sooner than Makoto, and he felt unsure of what to do. “If you’re still hungry I have some instant noodles. I’m not much of a cook, so I don’t have much in the kitchen other than that, but you’re welcome to it.” Makoto offered and even though the offer did sound good, Haruka refused it. “Okay then. The shower is still open to you of course, or you can just rest, that’s fine too.” Makoto seemed uncomfortable again, Haruka felt it acutely, and began to fiddle with the shirt he wore as he avoided eye contact. The silence stretched again and Haruka wondered if he should just go, let Makoto get back to his life with his friends and family, his life without someone as broken as Haruka to burden him. Makoto must have read his expression, because he reached forward and grabbed his hand and Haruka tensed as he looked up to Makoto. “I want to be here for you Haruka, please.” Haruka looked down again.

“I’m not use to it.” Haruka confessed. “People… Being cared about.” He shook his head before he pulled his knees close and hid his face in them. “I’m too weird for it, too strange. I don’t know what to do, how to be normal.” They were silent again, and Haruka was ready to be kicked out; he was being too difficult, too tiresome, and Makoto would get annoyed in time by him.

“I don’t think you’re weird or strange, you are just you, Haruka, and you’re normal for you.” Makoto said after a while, seeming to choose his words carefully. “I don’t know what lead you to last night and you don’t have to tell me it all if you don’t want,” There was a pause and Haruka looked over his knees. Makoto was frowning and looked lost in his head for a moment as he picked his next phrase. “But I’m here, and I want to keep you from ever feeling that way again. And you can tell me anything if you need to talk. I’ll be here for you and help you when you need it.” Their eyes met and Makoto smiled warmly. “I want to be your friend Haruka, can I?” 

Haruka couldn’t breathe, his heart had stopped, or was it just beating too fast, Haruka wasn’t even sure anymore. He hid his face again, he didn’t deserve this, not from Makoto or anyone else, but Makoto was offering it so willingly and Haruka was too selfish and needy. If he could be allowed to have this for a while, just for a little while, Haruka was sure he could be happy. Haruka nodded, ruffling his hair against the soft fabric of his borrowed pants, though that didn’t bother him because it was better than talking; if he talked he would surely cry and he couldn’t burden Makoto with that, he didn’t want to ruin it so soon. He heard Makoto stand from the couch, how the springs creaked from weight being removed, and soon an arm was around him and he was pulled against a firm side. Makoto rubbed soothing circles over his back and Haruka exhaled a shaking breath before looking up at Makoto. He wondered when Makoto had gotten so strong, but guessed it didn’t matter for now. 

:..:..:

Snow started to fall around noon, but Makoto only really noticed it when Haruka looked out the window and watched it. Makoto remembered finding Haruka beautiful when they were young, and that seemed to linger in his chest now that they were older, though Haruka’s beauty had changed. Before Makoto had compared his beauty to flowers, something that filled one with joy when they looked at them, now Makoto couldn’t help but feeling as if Haruka’s beauty was tragic with the way his blue eyes looked lost against the glass and the way his head rested in his palm and brought attention to the too thin wrists. Haruka looked fragile and Makoto didn’t like it.

He had meant what he said about helping Haruka, and where he didn’t know exactly how, he figured the best place to start was figuring out what he was doing with his life so far. Broaching the topic was a task that was easier said than done though. Makoto didn’t know what was safe, where he wouldn’t press too hard and scare Haruka off. He had already figured out his parents were probably not safe, the way Haruka’s face contorted at how Makoto reminisced gave that away. It worried Makoto greatly that it fell into that category, but in time he would find out why, or so he hoped.

“Haruka.” He joined Haruka at the window. “I’d like it if you’d stay a little longer.” Makoto meant it. Even with the situation of how they reunited being what it was, Makoto was happy to be with Haruka again. He had always hoped, secretly, when he moved to Tokyo for school that they’d bump into each other. At the time it felt silly to hope, Tokyo was so big, but the fantasy had played out in Makoto’s head all the same. The added situation did add more urgency to not leaving Haruka alone, but wanting to reconnect with his childhood best friend was important to Makoto too. Haruka’s gaze didn’t leave the window, but that didn’t put Makoto off. “You don’t have to if you truly don’t want to, but…”

“But you think I’ll kill myself if I don’t.” Haruka cut in. Makoto’s eyes widened and then he shook his head.

“That not true.” He insisted, though he wasn’t completely sure if he was lying or not. It wasn’t so much that he thought Haruka would do it again, but more he feared that he might. It was a conflicting feeling that was hard to explain to himself, much less to Haruka. Haruka’s gaze was on him now, and Makoto tried hard to show he had faith in Haruka. The silence stretched on until Haruka sighed.

“You don’t have to lie, Makoto. It’s not like I’m offended you’d think I would.” Haruka’s attention turned back to the window and for a few moments Makoto thought he was done and was about to speak, to convey in the best of his ability his true emotion about it, when Haruka spoke again. “I’m not even sure I won’t.” It was whispered, as if he was scared about what Makoto would think.

“Have you thought of other ways?” Makoto asked hesitantly. He wasn’t sure he wanted the answer, but he could handle it if Haruka wanted to open up about it. They were silent again, Haruka watching the snow, Makoto watching Haruka, and neither were sure how long they sat like that, seconds, minutes, hours, it didn’t really matter. Makoto wondered if he should tell him he didn’t have to tell him, that Makoto didn’t want to make him feel forced into anything, but he was also worried Haruka would feel that Makoto didn’t want to listen, so he let it hang between them.

“I’m scared no one will look for me if I did some of them.” Haruka said finally. “I could have done it long ago, I have other ways than the pool, but they would all be done at my apartment.” Haruka looked down at his lap and his fingers messed with a piece of lint there. “It's stupid how I’m scared of my body rotting before I’m found. It’s not like I’ll be able to know, right, so why does it matter to me if they can’t make out my face or that I’m not even a proper body anymore.” He bit into his lip, as if he realized he was saying something that would scare Makoto away. Makoto was at a loss of what to say, partly scared he’d say the wrong thing, but he knew this was a big moment, the moment that Haruka would learn he could rely on him.

“I don’t think it’s stupid.” Makoto sincerely whispered and Haruka looked up at him. “Nobody wants to be forgotten, I think.” He paused, not wanting to make this about everyone else, but also wanted Haruka to realize it was a normal thought, sort of. “It bothers you because you are worth more than to be forgotten, to be over looked like that.” It wasn’t the right thing to say, but it wasn’t the wrong thing either, and Makoto could tell it was enough for Haruka when their eyes met. It wasn’t much, but a spark seemed to be there now, maybe a hope, or maybe Makoto was the one hoping, he thought as Haruka’s eyes turned back to the glass.

“I… I don’t mind staying, if you’re really okay with it.” Haruka said, and Makoto nodded. 

“I am. Really Haruka, I’m beyond okay with it.” Makoto said, then felt maybe he had been too persistent, but Haruka turned back to face him.

“Don’t call me that. It’s weird that you’re using my full name.” Makoto was surprised at the tone in his voice, like he was angry but wasn’t at the same time, and Makoto couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You told me I can’t call your Haru-chan anymore too though.” Makoto said in his own defense. Haruka’s cheeks turned a shade of pink and he seemed flustered. 

“Drop the –chan. Just Haru.” He snapped and Makoto chuckled again. 

“Okay Haru.” 

:..:..:

The walk to Haru’s apartment was quiet, both he and Makoto walked side by side. Haru was sure he looked ridiculous in Makoto’s over sized clothes, but he didn’t care. What really bothered him was that Makoto would see his apartment. It wasn’t as grand, not even half as grand, as Makoto’s. It’s kitchenette was made up of broken appliances, his bathroom only had a small stand up shower, and it was all one room except for the bathroom. He had no furniture, only a twin sized bed that was covered in old sheets and little cabinet that held anything of actual value Haru wished to keep safe. His clothes were in piles on the floor or in a basket, depending on if they were dirty or not. Makoto said he wanted to be there for Haru, but Haru wondered if he’d change his mind after seeing his apartment and seeing how pathetic he was. It really was the best Haru could provide for himself, his money was limited and he still had school to attend so finding a job for something better seemed almost useless. 

“How long would you like to stay Haru?” Makoto asked cheerfully, though the area seemed to become sketchier and sketchier and Haru could tell that Makoto noticed it as he looked around.

“How long would you like me to stay?” Haru asked, knowing that at some point Makoto would get tired of him being there. Makoto looked over at him, smile on his face.

“Its nice having you around.” Haru scoffed at this. “Seriously Haru, I missed you.” The honesty made Haru’s face warm, and he shifted down into the large coat. He had missed Makoto beyond words, but he couldn’t confess something like that. “Plus having someone to talk to is never a bad thing, it’ll be nice to not talk to myself all the time.” Makoto’s laugh warmed Haru much like he remembered it did when they were children. “I’d like if you stayed for at least a week, if that is okay with you. I’ll have a few classes, but I’ll mostly be at home.” 

“I have some classes too.” Haru sighed, the idea of going to class after the night before seemed ridiculous, sitting down to do the assignments due seemed equally ridiculous, but if Haru was still alive he might as well. It was more trouble for him if he didn’t.

“Oh you’re in school?” Makoto asked and Haru scoffed again. He wasn’t offended if Makoto thought he was going to kill himself, but to think he was such a loser that he wasn’t furthering his education was insulting, though that could be because of other reasons. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it, I just didn’t want to assume one way or another.” Makoto insisted. “You wouldn’t be the first person I know who isn’t in college anyway.” Makoto looked distressed, and Haru felt bad for it.

“I… I’m not mad, I didn’t tell you otherwise did I?” Haru said finally. Maybe he would tell Makoto about why it truly offended him later, maybe he owed him some more answers than he had given about how things lead to the pool. Maybe tomorrow he’d tell him, he was too tired to do it tonight. 

“What are you in school for?” Makoto asked innocently, but the question made Haru’s shoulders tense and he looked at the snow-slush that was at their feet. Makoto’s shoes were too big, it looked weird.

“Art.” He muttered, his mouth feeling dry as he spoke. He use to have some assemblance of pride in the choice for his future, had viewed it as a dream maybe, but now, now it just made him sick. He still loved art, or at least he thought he did or could, but so many things had gone wrong over his choice it was hard to tell.

“Art? That’s amazing Haru!” Makoto’s words shocked Haru, but he hid it by moving the coat tighter around himself. “I mean it Haru, I’d love to see your work sometime. It is rather suiting though, I remember all the days we’d draw together. You were so much better than me that I’d just abandon mine to watch you draw.” Makoto’s smile was clear in his words and Haru could remember those days well.

“You liked to draw flowers the most.” Haru said fondly. “You were always better at them than anything else so I’d draw things and you’d add flowers.” He wondered what happened to those countless drawings. Makoto nodded.

“I think there are some still packed up back home. You gave me your share before you moved didn’t you?” Makoto asked, leaving out the part where Haru had tried to end their friendship. 

Haru remembered he had been so angry at his parents, Grandmother had only passed away the week before and they were telling him he had to leave behind Makoto. At first he “ran away from home” by hiding at the Tachibana’s for the night, though really his parents had found him. His next plan was to try and make it not hurt. He had carried things that reminded him of Makoto down to the boy and handed it to him. ‘We can’t be friends anymore’ He had said stubbornly, refusing to look at Makoto through it, that was until Makoto started to cry. Haru had felt the guilt instantly and gave the boy one of his rare hugs. ‘I’ll always be your friend.’ Makoto had sobbed into Haru’s chest, clinging to him. Haru apologized once he had calmed down, but told Makoto to hold on to the things he had brought. ‘They might get lost otherwise.’ He had reasoned.

The memory had always made Haru feel miserable, and this time was no different. Or maybe it was, since Makoto’s shoulder bumped into his lightly and when Haru looked up, Makoto was smiling.

“We promised to be best friends forever the night before you left, I had already forgiven you for the other thing.” He said cheerfully. Haru scoffed softly, kicking a clump of snow before taking the last turn. The building was worn down, it hardly looked like a set of apartments. Makoto started to walk on until he saw Haru stopped at the apartment on the corner. Haru hesitated before opening the door, bracing himself for any judgment he might see on Makoto’s face. 

You’re being stupid, Haru berated himself, He hasn’t judged you yet, do you really think your apartment is worse than killing yourself. Haru wasn’t sure which was worse, but it didn’t really matter because he had to open the door now or he’d look stupid, so he pushed it open to let whatever happen, happen.

It was warm at least, and Haru slipped out of the much too large shoes. Makoto followed, and didn’t say anything about the place, and Haru was a little grateful for it until he turned around as saw a disapproving look on Makoto’s face.

“I know it’s not great, sorry.” Haru muttered and Makoto started.

“No don’t be sorry, its fine.” Makoto said with a smile, but the look returned for a moment.

“Then what is it?” Haru felt his temper rising. If he didn’t like it he could just say so, hadn’t he just said himself he knew it wasn’t great?

“It’s nothing.” Makoto said, but then deflated when Haru glared. “It’s just… You left your door unlocked. Do you know how unsafe that is? Your neighbors don’t look very honest, no offence and…” He sighed. “I’m sorry, it just unsafe.” Haru felt his anger leave as fast as it came, a strange warmth taking its place. It had been a while since he was scolded for something, it almost made him want to laugh.

“I had other things on my mind.” Haru had meant the statement as a joke, something playful even, but the reality caught up with him and he realized that was the wrong thing to say, and felt it more when Makoto flinched. “I didn’t mean… I mean that is but….” He frowned, not knowing how to mend the situations. 

“Haru.” Makoto said softly, and Haru turned to look at Makoto. “Let’s not forget to lock it when we leave, okay?” And with that, Makoto had soothed the situation. Haru nodded and then looked around. “Do you need any help?” Makoto offered when Haru debated what to grab. He would have to do school work, to draw his assignment and do a paper. 

“Over there is my laptop, could you put it in its case?” Haru said, pointing to his bed. Makoto nodded and they made quick work of getting a week’s worth of things together. It was when Haru closed the door he remembered one more important thing and darted back inside, only to return a moment later with a large sketch book and a pencil bag. Makoto waited for Haru to lock the door and then they headed back down the slush covered sidewalk the way they had came.


End file.
